🗣I’m so excited to announce that I’m opening my books to *5* new coaching clients for January 2022. Click here to schedule your discovery session. I like working with folks who are newer to sobriety, or those of you who are stable in your recovery, and looking to evolve into what’s next. Let’s connect if you’re ready ❣️
❄️ WINTER SOLSTICE writing workshop isSunday, December 19th. This is the last writing workshop of the year! Please sign up in advance here here (Sunday, 12/19, 10am - 12pm PST).
Over the past few weeks, these Friday posts have been devoted to answering your questions about navigating the holidays without alcohol.
Here’s this week’s question:
I’m curious also if you might talk about how to handle OTHER PEOPLE drinking around you. I know logically that I can’t / shouldn’t try to control others behavior but being around people who are drinking (esp if they’re drunk) triggers me.
Cheers (with a non alcoholic beverage), S
Thank you for the question, S. Here we go:
In this week’s Tuesday post, I wrote about how it’s my job to protect and fortify my boundaries so that I can remain whole. I used the image of visualizing a golden orb of protection around me, and doing whatever necessary to preserve the continuity of said orb.
This is an abstract—and my best attempt at poetic—way of conveying what is actually quite concrete and practical: there are certain things I simply do not abide by any longer, and one of those things is the way I manage myself around people who are drinking.
You are right when you acknowledge that you can’t control other people. But you can take responsibility for your own experience. You can learn to take care of yourself. This is easier said than done, particularly when it comes to alcohol, since we’ve been so collectively conditioned to believe that it’s the way we connect, the way we cut loose, and so on. By stepping out of this narrative, we become turtles without shells, at least at first.
I can’t tell you how long it will take to not be triggered by other people drinking around you. What I do know is that the more fortified in yourself you become, the less you will be bothered by other people’s drinking.
All of this being said, here are some actual, you know, suggestions, about how to approach this pretty unavoidable conundrum:
Don’t go. This is my grumpy, antisocial sober lady suggestion. You don’t have to be around people who are drinking, particularly if it’s triggering. Our job is to protect ourselves, remember.
If you have to go, have a plan. One of my rules when I’m in a setting where people are drinking is to leave at that point of the night when things tip and folks are more drunk than not. By that point, I’m usually tired of peopling and ready to go anyway. I thought I was the most captivating human in the world when I had a few drinks in me, but here, from my non-drinking vantage point, the reality is that drunk people are actually hella boring (at best. At worst, there’s that unpredictable behavior that can churn up, which is another signal for me to just go home).
Part of having a plan is making sure you have what you need. This might be bringing your own drinks, or looking up the drink menu beforehand so that you know exactly what you’re ordering when you get there, or arriving early and having some kind of drink in hand so no one bugs you about it, or having a few phrases in your back pocket you can bust out if dum dum’s ask intrusive questions (again, I say, what the fuck).
Have an exit strategy. Personally, I am a fan of the French Exit, which I’ve also heard referred to as the Irish Goodbye. Once the night tips into that aforementioned more-drunk-than-not spot, it’s easy to slip out. You can also tell the host ahead of time that you’re excited to attend, but you have to leave after a certain amount of time. Go! Maybe even enjoy yourself! But go knowing that you know how to leave.
Take care of yourself afterward. Dealing with people can be exhausting. Navigating social situations as a newly non-drinking person takes work! It’s helpful to go home to something nice. What would feel rewarding to you? What would make you feel cared for? What would have you return to your center? You might take a bath, or eat some dessert, or bust out the coziest pajamas and watch something you love, or call a friend who gets it, or, maybe you scream into the void or stick your head under the faucet and let some cold water run over you. Whatever it takes to come back to yourself is the thing we’re aiming for here.
A final word: I want to talk about ferocity for a moment. In general, I believe gentle is the answer. Learning how to care for ourselves with compassion, forgiveness and patience rather than self-flagellation is how we create sustainable change. And. In scenarios in which we know we are vulnerable, we must learn to become fiercely, unapologetically protective. I think about my teenage self, who so badly needed someone to help her learn how to human, who instead learned to cope with behavior that worked at first, but then eventually took her sideways. I am the adult now. I can offer myself now what I needed then. Who you are now is a lion protecting that most precious part of yourself, the part that is reaching, yearning, blooming toward a different way. This will not happen over night. We have to practice becoming fierce. But let’s hold it up as the sun, the north star.
You, S, at social events this holiday season
What say you, readers? Is there anything you would add? Anything that’s been helpful to you? Anything you are planning to try out this year?
Do you have a question on your brain? Comment below, or click “reply” to this email if you have questions you’d like to see explored here. Remember: if you have a particular question, chances are many other people have the same one, so by asking you are helping your fellow readers ✨
Sending you all my good everything,
tuya, dani
📖Read: “Is it Important to Have Friends?” Friendship is the greatest blessing in my life and I love the way our pal Nick Cave describes the different levels of friendship.
👀Watch: Welp. I’m officially a Ted Lasso person. At first I was annoyed but like everyone else, the earnestness won me over. Ted moves through the world heart-first, which is my aim, too.
🎧Listen: “Life is not a punishment~” I listened to this three times in a row. So much kindness, tenderness, and grace. I particularly liked the part where they address how to cope with feeling haunted by our past.
Thank you so much for being a part of this community. If you like this newsletter, please consider leaving a comment, sending it to a friend or becoming a paid subscriber. Or respond and say hi, I always love hearing from you.
1. Love the holiday guideposts/suggestions. Especially the idea of being loving to/fiercely protective of yourself in drinking scenarios. On that note, I saw a cool thing on Skillshare where the presenter suggested that you “write yourself a prescription” when you need some healing/tlc. E.g. Date/sign a prescribed/written course of care (a daily walk, laugh/comedy, dance, nature, volunteer, etc) and agree to “follow up” with yourself as to the presciption’s efficacy/needed tweaks/updates.
2. What a beautiful post on friendship by Nick Cave. It made me miss some old friends. And want to be a better friend.
1. Love the holiday guideposts/suggestions. Especially the idea of being loving to/fiercely protective of yourself in drinking scenarios. On that note, I saw a cool thing on Skillshare where the presenter suggested that you “write yourself a prescription” when you need some healing/tlc. E.g. Date/sign a prescribed/written course of care (a daily walk, laugh/comedy, dance, nature, volunteer, etc) and agree to “follow up” with yourself as to the presciption’s efficacy/needed tweaks/updates.
2. What a beautiful post on friendship by Nick Cave. It made me miss some old friends. And want to be a better friend.
3. Thank you!
I love that Jen. One of my friends talks about "writing herself a permission slip" to do whatever she needs to take care of herself.