❄️ WINTER SOLSTICE writing workshop isSunday, December 19th. This is the last writing workshop of the year! Please sign up in advance here here (Sunday, 12/19, 10am - 12pm PST).
🗣The Sober Joy Show - I’m speaking at this free conference on Sober Joy! I’m being interviewed on my favorite topic - how creativity can be a path to joy in recovery. If you want to register you can do so by clicking this link. Here’s a brief description:
Whether you’re sober, in recovery, or just questioning what habits and behaviors in your life actually make you feel happy and supported— this free online summit is going to pour so much love and inspiration into wherever you’re at in your journey! AND it’s going to teach you tools and actionable shifts you can make in your life RIGHT NOW.
Hope to see you there:)
Questions? Ask. I’m here and I’d love to hear from you.
Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash
Friday!
I hope you are doing well and readying yourselves for some rest next week. Let’s dive in:
This week, we’re exploring the question of how to respond to people in social situations if they are nosy and ask you why you aren’t drinking. Here we go.
So: as I’m sure you know, inevitably, when we quit drinking, we have to deal with…people.
Woof!
In my own life, as my identity as a non-drinker became more and more ingrained, it became easier and easier to declare myself an abstainer and not worry about people’s opinions about it. I don’t say this to minimize the challenge of figuring out how to do this at first, but to assure you that navigating social situations without alcohol gets easier over time: I promise you, whatever awkwardness or trepidation you might be feeling is not permanent.
What I want you to know more than anything is that you do not owe anyone an explanation. You are not obligated to share your reasons or thought processes. You don’t have to tell people it’s forever. What you do need is to stay close to yourself, and do whatever it takes to navigate the circumstance in a way that has you feeling safe and as steady as possible.
The way I navigate whether or not I’m going to tell someone the “why” of this incredibly personal choice is to remind myself that my story is sacred. If I choose to open up to someone, I have to know that my story is safe with them. If I have any concern that their response to the incredible, life-giving, life-transforming choice to stop ingesting poison will be shitty, I don’t tell them anything. Here are some phrases I like/I’ve used:
“I just don’t like it.” “I’ve retired from drinking.” ”Oh, can’t drink, I’m on medication.” ”No thanks, I’m good.” ”I just feel so much better when I don’t drink.” ”I’m taking a break.”
If people press you—which, can I just say, what the fuck—you can repeat these exact phrases over and over. Maybe beam some imaginary lasers out of your eyes.
You might also consider that the folks who don’t press you—the ones who respond to you saying “No thanks, I’m good” with responses like: “OK cool, will you pass the stuffing?” are probably folks who are safe to share with.
Many of us, in our discomfort, will try to manage the perceived discomfort of the people around us. This is not your job. Your job is to manage your own precious self. To get to the other side in your own gorgeously imperfect way. To honor this new, confusing, and beautiful identity in a way that has you feel good the next morning. To keep your word to the person who matters most—which, you guessed it, is yourself.
What say you? Is there anything you would add? Anything that’s been helpful to you? Anything you are planning to try out this year?
As a reminder: between now and the end of the year, these Friday posts will be devoted to answering your questions about navigating the holidays as a non-drinker.
Do you have a question on your brain? Comment below, or click “reply” to this email if you have questions you’d like to see explored here. Remember: if you have a particular question, chances are many other people have the same one, so by asking you are helping your fellow readers ✨
Next week, we’ll be exploring the following question that landed in my inbox last week:
Any tips for actually having fun at a holiday event? Relaxing and enjoying myself?
Take good care of yourselves. You are for real worthy of all the care.
tuya, dani
📖Read: Just delightful. “I write by hand on paper, and then I type the poem on a typewriter and then I pay someone to put it into their computer. If you asked me to email you a poem, I couldn’t, because I’m not hooked up.”
🎧Listen: This interview, “The Case for Harm Reduction” with one of my recovery heroes, Maia Szalavitz, was so super fantastic. Anything or anyone that asks us to push back on the ridiculous binary so inherent in most recovery models is ALWAYS going to be amplified around these parts. Harm reduction is recovery! Get me that bumper sticker ASAP, please.
Thank you so much for being a part of this community. If you like this newsletter, please consider leaving a comment, sending it to a friend or subscribing. Or respond and say hi, I’d love to hear from you.
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59 // You don't owe anyone an explanation
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❤️🩹Next Sober From Bullshit Recovery Club: Storytelling Edition is Wednesday, December 1. Register here.
❄️ WINTER SOLSTICE writing workshop is Sunday, December 19th. This is the last writing workshop of the year! Please sign up in advance here here (Sunday, 12/19, 10am - 12pm PST).
🗣The Sober Joy Show - I’m speaking at this free conference on Sober Joy! I’m being interviewed on my favorite topic - how creativity can be a path to joy in recovery. If you want to register you can do so by clicking this link. Here’s a brief description:
Hope to see you there:)
Questions? Ask. I’m here and I’d love to hear from you.
Friday!
I hope you are doing well and readying yourselves for some rest next week. Let’s dive in:
This week, we’re exploring the question of how to respond to people in social situations if they are nosy and ask you why you aren’t drinking. Here we go.
So: as I’m sure you know, inevitably, when we quit drinking, we have to deal with…people.
Woof!
In my own life, as my identity as a non-drinker became more and more ingrained, it became easier and easier to declare myself an abstainer and not worry about people’s opinions about it. I don’t say this to minimize the challenge of figuring out how to do this at first, but to assure you that navigating social situations without alcohol gets easier over time: I promise you, whatever awkwardness or trepidation you might be feeling is not permanent.
What I want you to know more than anything is that you do not owe anyone an explanation. You are not obligated to share your reasons or thought processes. You don’t have to tell people it’s forever. What you do need is to stay close to yourself, and do whatever it takes to navigate the circumstance in a way that has you feeling safe and as steady as possible.
The way I navigate whether or not I’m going to tell someone the “why” of this incredibly personal choice is to remind myself that my story is sacred. If I choose to open up to someone, I have to know that my story is safe with them. If I have any concern that their response to the incredible, life-giving, life-transforming choice to stop ingesting poison will be shitty, I don’t tell them anything. Here are some phrases I like/I’ve used:
“I just don’t like it.”
“I’ve retired from drinking.”
”Oh, can’t drink, I’m on medication.”
”No thanks, I’m good.”
”I just feel so much better when I don’t drink.”
”I’m taking a break.”
If people press you—which, can I just say, what the fuck—you can repeat these exact phrases over and over. Maybe beam some imaginary lasers out of your eyes.
You might also consider that the folks who don’t press you—the ones who respond to you saying “No thanks, I’m good” with responses like: “OK cool, will you pass the stuffing?” are probably folks who are safe to share with.
Many of us, in our discomfort, will try to manage the perceived discomfort of the people around us. This is not your job. Your job is to manage your own precious self. To get to the other side in your own gorgeously imperfect way. To honor this new, confusing, and beautiful identity in a way that has you feel good the next morning. To keep your word to the person who matters most—which, you guessed it, is yourself.
What say you? Is there anything you would add? Anything that’s been helpful to you? Anything you are planning to try out this year?
As a reminder: between now and the end of the year, these Friday posts will be devoted to answering your questions about navigating the holidays as a non-drinker.
Do you have a question on your brain? Comment below, or click “reply” to this email if you have questions you’d like to see explored here. Remember: if you have a particular question, chances are many other people have the same one, so by asking you are helping your fellow readers ✨
Next week, we’ll be exploring the following question that landed in my inbox last week:
Take good care of yourselves. You are for real worthy of all the care.
tuya,
dani
📖Read: Just delightful. “I write by hand on paper, and then I type the poem on a typewriter and then I pay someone to put it into their computer. If you asked me to email you a poem, I couldn’t, because I’m not hooked up.”
👀Watch: I just; yeah. This is indescribable.
🎧Listen: This interview, “The Case for Harm Reduction” with one of my recovery heroes, Maia Szalavitz, was so super fantastic. Anything or anyone that asks us to push back on the ridiculous binary so inherent in most recovery models is ALWAYS going to be amplified around these parts. Harm reduction is recovery! Get me that bumper sticker ASAP, please.
Thank you so much for being a part of this community. If you like this newsletter, please consider leaving a comment, sending it to a friend or subscribing. Or respond and say hi, I’d love to hear from you.