What to do when you don't know what to do
This January, try this one ridiculously slow non-linear time consuming endlessly circuitous life hack (aka free workshop next week)
Good morning everyone, I’m excited to share that I’m starting to offer in-person coaching sessions as an option for working together. If you are local to San Francisco/the Bay Area and are curious to know more, respond to this email or click the button below to book an Alignment Session.
And if you’re interested in joining me at one of the two sessions I’m teaching BASELINE next week, you can register here:
Sign up for Tuesday, 2/3 at 6pm PST here
Sign up for Thursday, 2/5 at 9am PST here
No recordings; come live.
This week’s inspiration:
New Year Prayer
Find a body of water, and be still
beside it for a time. Build a fire
and watch the flames. Sit on the porch.
Lie on the grass. Light candles. Take
a deep breath. Write a letter to
someone. Discover something new
everyday. Learn. Tell stories. Listen
to old people. Ask them questions.
Give to others when you can and treat
yourself occasionally. Read real
books and newspapers. Always buy the
grocery store flowers if they catch
your eye. Remember that there is power
in moderation. Learn to cook or bake
a new dish. Enjoy every meal. Savor
your food. Drink water. Any chance you get,
hold a baby. When the opportunity
arises, dance. Always swim or wade
in the water. Study leaves. At least once
this year, pee outside. Be completely
quiet. Turn your favorite song up
loud. Sing along. If someone makes you feel
bad all the time, get away from them. Laugh
with others. Laugh while you’re alone. Spend time
with animals. Don’t judge. Think this: “There but
for the grace of God go I” or “Everyone
you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
Forgive others. Forgive yourself.Silas House
“What do I do when I don’t know what to do next?
A Wilderness Survival Manual a century ago said ‘When (not if) you get lost: Stop. Have a cup of Tea. Climb a tree. Look at where you’ve been. Then, and only then, take a bead on where you want to head next. Go until you’re lost again, or arrive.’
We’re often desperate for the Solution, but if we start anxiously with only that we’re like a Squirrel on the Highway. Solution is the third step. The second step is Fairy Godmother territory: what are you really wishing for here? The first step is acknowledging what exactly has been going on in my experience? How did I get here? What are the chances I’ll just recreate history and wind up in the same place?
The goal of the process is coming to a felt sense of Safety and Certainty.”
Paul Gessford, MFT - Jacksonhole + Alpine Junction Counseling
When the world feels like it's unraveling, how do you stay present? How do you keep showing up without burning out or checking out? What is required to stay engaged?
What I know in my bones is that the second things start to feel TOO BIG; when everything in me is screaming for me to HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING!; or, when I feel like curling up in bed with HBO for the rest of my life—what would actually help is to stop. To slow down, to soften into the wisdom of the present moment, and to remember all that I can actually affect, which is usually far more than I think when I’m in panic mode.
I can consider: How I show up in my relationships. How I serve my clients. How I treat whoever is in front of me. How I treat myself. I can ask myself: what is one action I can take right now that might make a difference, however humble, for another?
I spend a lot of time dreaming of having a bigger impact. Maybe you do, too. But if life has taught me anything, it’s how easily I can get stuck in a dream if I’m not paying attention. How easily I can waste time fantasizing, how much time I can think about taking action, instead of actually doing something. When I’m in fantasy, I forget what is mine to do.
In reality I remember:
What is mine to do is to stay present in reality;
to maintain agency over my thoughts, emotions, and nervous system in reality;
to strengthen the web of connection of which I am already a part in reality;
to pour everything I have to give into being of service in reality
My job is to discern what is mine to do, and then to go do it.
But how?
Self-development often traffics in abstract language. Metaphor, imagery, ideas, the language of possibility. This is lofty and aspirational, and can be motivating, but it’s not enough.
You’ve been told a thousand times to “set boundaries” or “practice self-care,” but what does that actually mean when you’re in the moment—exhausted, triggered, or spinning out?
When you’re dealing with Big Life Stuff (transitions, grief, betrayal, frustration, disappointment, heartbreak, stress, existential angst), you want answers right now. You want someone to tell you what to do. You get caught up in looping thoughts, perpetuating patterns that keep you in the stress response.
This is where something practical becomes essential.
Introducing: BASELINE
BASELINE is a tool I created to help you ground in the present moment and take non-harmful action when you don’t know what to do. The more able you are to maintain a steady baseline, the more able you are at staying engaged with the people and causes that matter most to you.
Drawing from integral theory’s understanding that human experience unfolds across four interconnected domains—your inner world (thoughts, emotions, beliefs), your outer world (body, behavior, actions), your relationships (connections with others), and your environment (systems, structures, surroundings)—BASELINE helps you tend to yourself holistically. It moves you from thought or imagination into action.
Here’s how it works:
Within each of the four domains, you identify 3-4 concrete actions you can take. Nothing abstract, conceptual, or hypothetical. On a good day—when you’re rested and have time and space—you might hit a few things in each domain. On days where that’s not the case, you know that touching into one action in each domain is enough to keep you tethered to yourself.
BASELINE allows you to be flexible. There’s a range from simple to more involved in each domain.
So often when the squirrels are unleashed in your brain or your skin feels too tight or you catch the inner-engine starting to rumble, all practices and tools fly out the window. In those moments, you can look at your BASELINE and take a non-harmful action. Sometimes it’s as simple as drinking water, or realizing you haven’t had a proper meal all day. Sometimes you need to get out and move your body in a way that exhausts those damn squirrels.
BASELINE is not about checking boxes and then berating yourself when you fall short. Instead, it’s a roadmap that moves you closer to what you need in any given moment. A tool that connects you to your inner authority rather than forcing yourself toward some unhelpful standard that keeps you stuck in a familiar loop.
It’s a way to offer yourself nourishment along the way. To disrupt the thought loops, if only briefly. To give yourself something to do in those moments where you don’t know what to do. To demonstrate to yourself you know what you need better than anyone else; to trust that you know what is yours to do, and to have the capacity to go do it.
The usefulness of a map—a tool that helps you organize and categorize both where you are, and where you would like to go, and that also reminds you of your vulnerabilities so you might stay alert as necessary—seems obvious early on.
Then what?
If you create a map of a coastline, and then return one year later, you will need to update the map. Coastlines are constantly changing due to the action of waves, currents, erosion, and tides. It would be ridiculous to think that the same map we initially created would still be at accurate representation of a dynamic, responsive, ever-shifting shore.
The same is true for you.
And perhaps you understand my emphasis on this tool. My intention is here is to remind you that no matter how experienced you are, or become, returning to the basics is always, always valuable.
Join me for a free BASELINE workshop next week
In this 60 minute workshop, we’ll create your personalized BASELINE together.
Every single thing I teach in this workshop is practical and immediately applicable to your life right now. You’ll also learn how to listen for what would actually be supportive to you—a unique individual with unique needs, fluctuating energy levels, and an animal body—instead of what someone or something outside of yourself is convincing you would be supportive.
You’ll leave with a workbook and your own BASELINE—precisely what is yours to implement right now. Today.
All are welcome. If you’re new to this tool, you’ll leave with a clear, actionable framework. If you’ve done this workshop before, this is a valuable opportunity to update your BASELINE for who you are now and what you need in this current season of your life.
Bring a friend. This work is powerful on its own, but there’s something about creating these tools alongside people you care about—witnessing each other’s needs, holding space for what matters to each of you. Plus, you’ll have a built-in accountability partner.
Two times available:
No recordings; come live.
What would it feel like to know exactly what you need in any given moment—and to actually give it to yourself?
What would it be like to be so solid and fortified from the inside, that you trust completely that you have everything you need to meet the moment—no matter the moment?
See you there <3
If you are curious about coaching with me, I would love to connect. I have 2 coaching engagement opportunities—either virtual or in person at my home here in San Francisco—open for February start dates.
Coaching is a finite engagement working toward developmental outcomes. It’s also a space to explore what it means to be human. You’ll experiment with practices, activities, and exercises that are designed to support you in behaving increasingly in alignment with your values, and to discover how an outcome of new behaviors is a life that becomes an expression of those values. These are six-to-twelve month commitments where we meet twice monthly, and follow a co-created, collaborative Integral Coaching plan for you to get curious with, live into, and embody.
We start with a conversation, and if it feels mutually good we go from there.
SELF MADE empowers you to liberate yourself from societal programming and step boldly into a life of your design. Posts are written by me, Dani Cirignano, writer, Integral Coach, and intuitive guide based in San Francisco, CA.
Click here to learn about working with me 1:1. Check out the “About” page for more information about our online community and click any of the “Subscribe Now” buttons to become a subscriber.
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Thank you.