THE RETURN OF THE SELF MADE ✨SPARK✨

Hi, I've missed you so. Click through for hella updates + invitations ❤️‍🔥

Beautiful friends, I want to thank you for sticking around Self Made despite the infrequent missives these past many months. I have a lot to share so I’ll jump right in.

Update #1: MICRO

I first noticed that something was very off with me back in August when it hit me that my creative spark—that constantly percolating, inner effervescence that tosses ideas my way in the early dawns and middle of the nights, that accompanies me on long walks and in morning pages and whatever time I spend in meditation, that emerges, magic!—in lit-up conversations with dear friends—had gone completely silent.

I am an artist. My spark is the way I know whether or not I’m OK. It is precious, holy, and sacred, not only because of what and how it allows me to CREATE, but also because, after decades of numbing, it was this part whose calls for me to get my life together finally got loud enough for me to listen. Said another way: my spark saved my life, and gave me the life I have today. It’s what I refer to as my “higher self.” It’s the part that connects me to the bigger picture of my life, the world, the universe, and beyond (sidenote: if any aliens are reading this, I’m ready for my beam-up).

So when it went quiet, I knew something was very off. And yet.

(If this is annoyingly vague: I was in a relationship last year that started out so, so amazingly, legit magically—and then the amazingness shifted into something not amazing, and the shift confused me, and it took me some months to extricate myself from the rip current, and then I spent November and December swimming parallel to shore, catching my breath, making my way safely back to a steadier ground).

From where I sit now, basking in the helpful (if confronting) glow of retrospect, there were so many moments last year where I knew better. Or should have. But I had to act a fool for a while. Turns out, regardless of how much “self-work” I’ve been inside of for so many years, despite having enough tools at my disposal to fill an entire shed, despite any success or traction I’ve created in various areas of my life since quitting drinking, apparently there are still lessons I have to learn the hard way.

So while I was tangled up in this less-than-healthy thing, my spark was waiting in the wings, an uneasy observer. I imagine it like a watchful tía, filing her nails, gazing at me with eyebrows raised, doing her damndest to bite her tongue because even though she knows I’m in trouble, she understands that this is a fire only I can walk myself through.

So I’ve been walking. Which in reality looked more like resting for the entire month of December.

As a self-employed person, this does not mean what you might think it means. Resting for me meant maintaining rather than growing, starting, hustling, selling, marketing, stressing. It meant not setting my alarm (and as someone who gets up at 5am, this was beyond luxurious). It meant crawling into bed every night at 7pm with Schitt’s Creek and Tater. It meant falling asleep by nine most nights (ok this last one is typical). It meant walking more than gymming. Apparently it meant getting sick, too: I was a congested mess for a full two weeks in December. It meant comfort food, comfort people. And, it meant trusting that my swimming would indeed lead me back to shore; that my spark would return if I let her rest, too.

Update #2: MACRO

Two weeks after my last public post, war broke out in Gaza. Another brutal war began. So there was more stress, and more grief, added to the nervous system/the human-hearted system of a woman already stressed and grieving over the drama in her own little life; already stressed and grieving about the ongoing war in Ukraine; already stressed and grieving over the near weekly (daily?) reminders of how the climate is changing; already stressed and grieving about entering into what will be YET ANOTHER destructive, violent, utterly bonkers election year here in the states.

Time continued to pass, bombs continued to fall, and I wondered what this newsletter had to add to the noise. Because there has been so much noise. The last thing I wanted to do was to add any bullshit to it, especially when there were so many other voices that very much deserved priority over mine. It felt weird at best, actively harmful at worst, to write about self-development and personal growth while so many crises were unfolding, not to mention the fact that although I of course stand by my work and its value, nobody needs a coach.

And the longer this went on, well, the more reticent my spark became. I was putting so much pressure on a practice—writing—that heretofore had been the most joyful and honest source of self-expression and pleasure. After a few too many mornings spent squirming in the quiet of daybreak before a blank page and a mocking, mercilessly blinking cursor, I surrendered. Longtime readers know that this is the ongoing lesson for me: once again, an opportunity to choose trust. The words would return, or they wouldn’t, but I had to stop forcing.

Update #3: MIRACLE

There are moments when I let all the feelings in. I let myself be flooded.

The breakup helped me with this: when I noticed a wave of BIG EMOTION coalescing within me, my inclination was to squash those feelings down down down into the center of the earth. But I found that if I let the bigness in—if I let it move through me, instead of engaging in the complicated dance of skirting around it—I’d return to a decent sense of peace more quickly. And good God, when my heart was in the gutter; well. Even the tiniest sliver of peace was a life raft.

And so I’ve been practicing this with every big emotion: grief, terror, anger, fear, anxiety, dread.

This doesn’t make the cause of big feeling go away. But it certainly helps me navigate it more mindfully. When I stop ignoring, and avoiding, and distracting myself from the pain, I gain the ability to choose my response, to be with what is, rather than staying stubbornly attached to what was SUPPOSED to be, or whatever story I’m clinging to.

And here’s the thing: it wasn’t all bad. I also felt wonder, awe, joy, delight. And so I let that flood me, too.

I let it all in. And it moves along.

For me, this is the wildest—and most endlessly confusing—part of being a human. How we can hold beauty and terror at the same time. How to make sense of that? In these moments, only poetry helps:

Everything is beautiful and I am so sad.
This is how the heart makes a duet of
wonder and grief. The light spraying
through the lace of the fern is as delicate
as the fibers of memory forming their web
around the knot in my throat. The breeze
makes the birds move from branch to branch
as this ache makes me look for those I’ve lost
in the next room, in the next song, in the laugh
of the next stranger. In the very center, under
it all, what we have that no one can take
away and all that we’ve lost face each other.
It is there that I’m adrift, feeling punctured
by a holiness that exists inside everything.
I am so sad and everything is beautiful.

Adrift - Mark Nepo

I let myself linger in wild confusion of these past months, and a question emerged:

What will it take for us to realize what a miracle this is?

Photo by Cherry Laithang on Unsplash

Life is a miracle. This planet is a miracle. Every living being is a miracle. Every human life is a MIRACLE.

Sometimes, I can taste beauty—the presence it evokes, the immediacy of it. In those blissful moments I imagine wrapping it in a warm tortilla, taking a bite, letting it its qualities become part of my skin, muscles, bones.

Other times, when I’m feeling self-absorbed, small, scared, anxious, or some frightening combo platter of all of those, I look at images of deep space, and I remember my insignificance. This does not bum me out! On the contrary—remembering my own insignificance connects me to wonder, awe, and to the miraculousness that so many forces that I am very much not smart enough to understand, let alone articulate, collaborated together in such a precise way that this pale blue dot could foster so much LIFE. So much beauty.

Another poem:

Life is short, though I keep this from my children.
Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine
in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,
a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways
I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least
fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative
estimate, though I keep this from my children.
For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.
For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,
sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world
is at least half terrible, and for every kind
stranger, there is one who would break you,
though I keep this from my children. I am trying
to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,
walking you through a real shithole, chirps on
about good bones: This place could be beautiful,
right? You could make this place beautiful.

Maggie Smith - Good Bones

It could be so beautiful. And it’s knowing this that causes so much pain. The way we harm each other, the way we destroy our home—knowing that it doesn’t have to be this way is what kills me. Knowing that it could be so beautiful.

And yet, and yet, and yet.

So I’m also holding—as you are—the terror of global events, the potential for this country to fall into full-on fascism, the intensifying and increasingly bizarre weather patterns, and the myriad shitty ways we break each others’ hearts, alongside the beauty and wonder and joy and awe of being a human careening through space on a pale blue dot.

And the only thing I know to do is to continue to fortify myself from the inside out so that I can stay engaged in creating a world that honors the MIRACLE.

So I devote myself to building a whole new world, one that works for all of us. In this world, every single child has access to everything they need to be healthy and thriving, and free to be self-expressed, and to live into the miracle that is their unique presence on the planet. In this world, love and respect for life—all forms of life!—is finally a stronger force than this awful death machine that is currently working overtime to convince us that this is just the way things are.

And OK, yes, it’s possible this all sounds ridiculous, overly idealistic, overly simplistic; it’s possible I have my head all the way up my ass (can someone please call me out—gently—if I do? I promise to receive it with grace); it’s possible (probable!) I’m ignorant to a whole lot—but also, despair is not an option, not for those of us with the privilege, time, and resources to pay attention and stay engaged.

We could make this place beautiful.

If you made it through that ramble, I offer my sincere thanks. Now onto the more logistical updates, which are plentiful:

Update #4: MONEY

As of January 1st, I consolidated some paid subscriber options and lowered the monthly fee from $30 to $8, and the annual fee from $300 to $88.

Yes, this is a big change, and I’ll be sharing more about how this change came about via an upcoming essay about capacity, and how much I’ve learned about my actual capacity versus my perceived capacity after a year+ of self-employment.

In the meantime, here’s what a subscription gets you:

🪐 Three-four essays/month. I’ll continue to write about holistic recovery, self-development, and creativity, and I’m excited to include additional themes exploring the subject of midlife (hi I’m turning 40 in TWO MONTHS 😳), lessons of self-employment, and tools, resources, and teachings from my expertise as someone who has coached hundreds (!) of people over the past three years.

🪐 Two recovery-support calls/week

This might sound hyperbolic but calls are where the magic happens.

Here’s what people say:

“Self Made gave me the community I had been searching for. It is such a comfort to be a part of this group, where I can show up just as I am, with no judgement—just support and compassion.”

Ali M.

“Self Made has given me what I was looking for in sobriety: a group of friends—because I have legitimately found friends here—who are also sober and, like me, sassy and sick of bullshit.”

Ashley N.

“The Self Made community has allowed me to examine and share pieces of myself I’d rejected. The love and compassion I’m met with each time helps me show that same warmth back to myself, and allows me to belong a bit more to myself each time.”

Kieran O.

“I joined Self Made shortly after I got sober. I knew from the first meeting that this space is where I belonged. It was open and authentic, free of dogma and ego-bashing. The level of safety I feel at Self Made is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Holly S.

If you are Dry January-ing, these are a great way to support your glorious efforts.

🌀 EVOLVE (Tuesday, 1/9/24 @ 6pm PST // 9pm EST): Register here.
🌀 EXPAND** (Wednesday, 1/10/24 @ 9am PST // 12pm EST): Register here.

**This call (EXPAND) features structured breakout groups of 3-4 people.

🪐 Monthly office hours

I’m trying out something new! Once per month, I’ll open my Zoom room for an hour. Come with a question, or something on your mind, and we can connect.

🤔 Maybe you have questions about sobriety or recovery!
🤔 Maybe you’re sobercurious and exploring.
🤔 Maybe you want to say something out loud.
🤔 Maybe you have personal development related questions.
🤔 Maybe there’s something going on in your life you need some care and support around.
🤔 Maybe you have questions about coaching, which I’m always excited to talk and share about! Though I promise these office hours aren’t coaching sales calls in disguise 🤣

January Office Hours:
1/25/24
11am-12pm PST

Register here.

🪐 Slack

I damn near shut this one down! But I can’t bring myself to. It’s just such a sweet, easy way to stay connected, share resources, and connect with each other asynchronously.

As part of your subscription, you’re invited to our Self Made private Slack channel.

If you’ve never used Slack before, I promise, for real, it’s straightforward and simple to get started.

An for those of you who canceled a previous subscription because you weren’t able to participate enough to justify the cost—I’d love to invite you back <3

Update #5: MISCHIEF

I also have two events this month:

✍🏽 January Creative Writing Workshop
When: Sunday, 1/28/24
Time: 10am PST - 12pm PST
What to expect: This generative writing workshop is based off the Amherst Writer's Method. There will be two prompts // two opportunities to write. Then, you'll be invited to share your work aloud if you like (no one is obligated, you can pass at anytime). Readers receive kind and generous feedback on what listeners like and remember from what they heard; there is no critical feedback (critique is great and can be very helpful—it's just not part of this style of workshop).

This workshop is appropriate for all levels. If you have questions, let me know—I'm happy to answer.
Cost: $33

Register here

☠ Close to the Bone: Stay fortified to stay engaged
When: Wednesday, 1/31/24
Time: 5:30 PST - 6:45 PST
What to expect: As we ease into 2024, I am thrilled to share a powerful framework for incorporating self-care into your daily life in a practical, flexible, intuitive way. Learn tools you can immediately apply as well as how to continue to adapt the tools as you—an ever adapting, wild and alive animal—evolve and change and grow and EXPAND.

I know "self-care" is the buzziest of all buzzwords imaginable. What makes this approach different is that it's both actionable and offers you a way to connect to your intuition. Learn how to offer yourself what would actually be nourishing and supportive to you—a gloriously imperfect human—and release the unhelpful ideas of what you think "should" be doing, or what you used to do, or what that person over there is doing.

NO MORE SELF-CARE CHECKLISTS!

The stakes are too high to obsess over checking off boxes. Now is the time to stay fortified so we can stay engaged and in service to our communities and to the health of all life on this planet.

The workshop is one hour plus a Q+A that will go fifteen minutes or as long as there are questions.

Mark your calendars, sign up, and see you soon!
Cost: $13

Register here

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1:1 Coaching: Finally, I’ll be sharing more soon about my current coaching offerings. In the meantime, if you are curious about working with me, you can click the button to get on my calendar and we can talk.

As for the spark? I’m being soft and tender with myself (my word for the year is EASE) and she’s slowing returning.

With so much love,
Dani

P.S. Check out my midwinter Spotify playlist, STAY TOASTY. Recommend you listen on shuffle. And yes, I know there are two back-to-back versions of “Stardust” on there, I have a weird adoration for that song…

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SELF MADE is a call to deeply connect with the self—self-knowledge, self-trust, self-development—and then to make, small step by step, a life that you savor. Posts are written by me, Dani Cirignano, writer, Certified Integral Coach, and Holistic Recovery Guide, based in San Francisco, CA. 

Click here to learn about working with me 1:1 and/or here to sign up for a complimentary Alignment Session. Let’s talk!

Thank you.