Relaxing into uncertainty
"May is for Mayhem" Coaching Project is underway and there are *5* spots remaining
Hello + happy Tuesday!
Register for this week’s group calls here:
🌀 Group Call #1: (Tuesday, 5/7/24 @ 6pm PST // 9pm EST): Register here.
🌀 Group Call #2:** (Wednesday, 5/8/24 @ 9am PST // 12pm EST): Register here.
**This call features structured breakout groups of 3-4 people.
Thank you to everyone who’s already booked a spot in the May is for Mayhem Coaching Project where, from May 1-31, I am gifting 20 coaching calls over 31 days.
There are 5 spots still available.
This project is for you if:
You are feeling overwhelmed by the unpredictable, chaotic reality we are experiencing
You understand *intellectually* that you need to care for yourself in order to care for others/the planet, but you aren’t sure how to *actually* do that
Your go-to coping strategies aren’t working the way they used to
You want to develop self-trust in your ability to stay engaged and participating in all the change without despairing or burning out
You want to increase your confidence in your resiliency to handle what the future brings
NOTE: Even if this project’s theme isn’t 100% resonant, if you’re curious about my approach and are interested in a coaching session, go ahead and sign up for a call.
Today’s inspiration:
“Because you’re always doing something to avoid feeling them, they are not given the chance to naturally work themselves out. If you want, you can simply permit the disturbances to come up, and you can let them go. Since your inner thorns are simply blocked energies from the past, they can be released. The problem is, you either completely avoid situations that would cause them to release, or you push them back down in the name of protecting yourself.”
―Michael Singer
“I don’t know what it is.” She paused, searching for the right word. “I just feel sort of…aimless.”
Last week during a session, a client shared how every time she has even the slightest bit of downtime, she can’t seem to relax and enjoy it. She shared how she longs to be able to unwind and simply let herself be, but that what actually happens is that whatever downtime she has just becomes one more opportunity to be productive, one more period of time she can fill with things to check off the neverending to-do list that’s constantly running in the background. Sure, she’s doing more relaxing, self-care type activities. But she’s curious about what it would be like to not always have an agenda.
No amount of understanding that relaxation is important changes the fact that at least in that moment, it was also deeply uncomfortable, to the point that she would have done anything to avoid the discomfort.
I’m guessing you can relate. I certainly do. Because this is how it goes, isn’t it? You slow down enough to take even a few moments of stillness, and whatever it is you’ve been staying just ahead of with your busyness has a chance to catch up to you. In those moments, the feeling that occurs is the opposite of what you associate with pleasure, or certainly, relaxation. And instead of getting curious, you numb out, zone out, get back to the to-do’s, or engage in any number of activities that have you be anywhere but right here.
The feeling you’re trying to outrun? It’s the discomfort of uncertainty.
One of the things that makes you human is your desire for certainty. The concept of “enjoying downtime” is ridiculous if the future is insecure—or even if it even feels that way. Indeed, “safety and security” is foundational to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I’m sharing this because I want to convey that there isn’t anything wrong with a desire for certainty. It’s intrinsic to your humanity. It makes sense.
From the New Yorker article, “Why We Need Answers:”
In 1972, the psychologist Jerome Kagan posited that uncertainty resolution was one of the foremost determinants of our behavior. When we can’t immediately gratify our desire to know, we become highly motivated to reach a concrete explanation. That motivation, in Kagan’s conception, lies at the heart of most other common motives: achievement, affiliation, power, and the like. We want to eliminate the distress of the unknown. We want, in other words, to achieve “cognitive closure.” This term was coined by the social psychologist Arie Kruglanski, who eventually defined it as “individuals’ desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity,” a drive for certainty in the face of a less than certain world. When faced with heightened ambiguity and a lack of clear-cut answers, we need to know—and as quickly as possible.
And in case this sounds like I’m making a case for becoming 100% present all the time, I’m not. As a human being alive today, doing your best to take care of yourself, raise your kids, be a kind spouse/child/sibling/citizen, and make it to the other side of late-stage capitalism, you need time to zone out, distract yourself, and yeah, even numb out at times. The comfort food, the social media scrolling, the binge TV watching, the to-do lists, the projects, the “hacks,” the time-blocking, and so on are all great distractions. And sometimes, distractions are the right tool, and that’s OK. If your aim is to become a perfectly optimized human being, who always chooses the “healthy” thing, and to whom nothing bad ever happens, this is probably isn’t the right newsletter for you.
But I’m also making a case for learning to relax alongside uncertainty instead of constantly trying to outrun it. I’m making a case for learning to enjoy yourself, not once everything is checked off the to-do list (especially considering the to-do list will only come to an end once you’re dead), but as a built-in part of your everyday—or even a few times per week—experience.
Incidentally! I am teaching a FREE workshop on this very subject on May 15th (next Wednesday!). The workshop is called Chaos Is A Friend Of Mine, and you’re invited to register.
If uncertainty is the water you are swimming in—and will continue to swim in for the foreseeable future, perhaps for as long as any of us currently living are alive—how do you engage with it, rather than do whatever you can to flee it, or numb from it, or make it wrong?
When we listen through the noise, it’s clear that the desire for certainty is misdirected. If we desire a thing we can never have, it makes sense that satisfaction and contentment will be ever out of reach.
There is nothing wrong with your longing for certainty; indeed, this longing is part of your DNA, is part of what makes you human, is part of what has enabled you to exist. And. Certainty is a myth, as these last many years have shown. I know you know this. I know you too are longing to tend to your animal body, to shut down the screens and rest your eyes, to spend time focusing on your breath, to eat and drink without rushing, to get on the ground to play with your dog or your kids, to linger over dinners with beloved friends, to get sufficient rest, to fortify yourself so that you can stand, rooted in life, no matter how life-y it gets.
You will still pursue security, stability, and certainty. But what might it be like to both pursue certainty, and bask in the process? To be free from your obsession with figuring out? To loosen your jaw, smooth out your forehead, relax your shoulders? To unspool from the contortions of your past?
What might you imagine is on the other side of control, that place where you are already forgiven, where joy and delight are just as present as everything else—what a spectacle, so unexpected—and you are radiant and at ease, more wild than ever, spine straight, skin soft? And
—oh, so this is it, this is what it feels like, this is everything I ever wanted.
My client used the word aimless to describe the discomfort she felt when the busyness of her life quieted enough for her to simply be with herself. We explored how she might get curious the next time this happens. What information might reveal itself if she were to let herself linger in the discomfort a little longer, instead of going right back to default to-do list mode? Because it’s these moments that open up so much potential for discovery.
As a coach, encouraging a client to lean into aimlessness is probably the last thing anyone would expect, especially considering that most people hire me to help them connect, or reconnect, to a sense of purpose—the very opposite of aimlessness. But aimlessness is not inherently bad. It can also be associated with many things that give life texture and richness. How many times have I been meandering about, bored as hell, when a new idea clicks into place, or a long confusing conundrum suddenly gives way to clarity? Not to mention that some of the best days of my life have come about from a place of aimlessness—of allowing myself to be carried by nothing but my feet and a bit of curiosity.
May is for Mayhem is an invitation into a new conversation about how embracing UNCERTAINTY might actually offer you the freedom you’re convinced is on the other side of all the neverending micromanaging. It’s an invitation to consider a way of being that isn’t contingent on perpetuating systems that are in collapse—a way of being that supports all life.
If this calls to you, I want to gift you one hour of 1:1 coaching.
5 spots left.
The Details
I am offering each call for free to support to anyone curious about how to channel the lessons of chaos toward building personal and collective resiliency.
1. Book your session. Each project call is 1 hour. Conversations will take place between May 1st and May 31st.
2. Complete the short questionnaire. After I confirm your call, you will receive a short questionnaire. Please note that calls without a completed questionnaire within 48 hours will be canceled.
3. Show up to your call! I look forward to our time together.
In the spirit of 🪞transparency🪞
Projects like this are how I give people who are curious about coaching an experience of working with me, and also one of the ways I connect with my ideal clients to fill the limited coaching spots I have available in my practice each season.
On the other side of this session, if coaching together seems like an ideal next step for both of us, and you express interest in learning more, wonderful, we can talk about that. HOWEVER! This is not a sales call in disguise and I will not “pitch” you on coaching without your explicit consent/indication of interest.
If an ongoing coaching engagement is not the right next thing, we’ll wind down our conversation with suggestions and resources to support you where you are. Yes, coaching is an investment but limited resources should never be a hindrance in you receiving the support when you need it.
This project is *not* for you if:
You have participated in a coaching project in the past 12 months
You have completed a coaching agreement within the past 6 months
You are a current 1:1 coaching client
Free workshop: Chaos Is A Friend Of Mine
I am teaching a framework for incorporating the lessons of Chaos Theory at my FREE workshop on May 15th: Chaos Is A Friend Of Mine, and you’re invited to register.
WHEN: Wednesday, May 15, 2024
TIME: 5:30pm - 7pm PST
WHAT: Learn about Chaos Theory and its practical application for building personal and collective resiliency through tumultuous times.
You will consider how disorder, unpredictability, and lack of control are natural parts of change and growth, and discover a model through which you can reconstruct the default narratives you have about yourself and the world.
You'll leave the workshop with a concrete framework you can apply toward imagining, creating, and living a new future beyond the limitations in possibility insisted upon by the culture-writ-large.
COST: FREE
The workshop is 75 minutes plus a Q+A/conversation that will go fifteen minutes or as long as there are questions/comments.
That’s it for this week. Sign up, and I look forward to seeing you around soon.
SELF MADE is a call to deeply connect with the self—self-knowledge, self-trust, self-development—and then to make, small step by step, a life that you savor. Posts are written by me, Dani Cirignano, writer, Certified Integral Coach, and Holistic Recovery Guide, based in San Francisco, CA.
Click here to learn about working with me 1:1 and/or here to sign up for a complimentary Alignment Session. Let’s talk!
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Love these thoughts about uncertainty and miss you! 🥰