In praise of earnestness

An antidote to cynicism

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Today’s Inspiration:

Forms of Love
Daniel Baylis

Sometimes I wonder,
what’s the point?
Why be good? Why care? Why try to change things?
Why—when we continue to wreck each other?

Yet I keep moving forward.

Not because I am confident of any outcomes,
But because I am still susceptible to sweet things:
a sunset,
a cup of coffee,
a warm blanket,
the smell of lilacs,
the sound of my mother’s laughter,
and all the other common forms of love.

Sometimes I wonder,
what would the world look like,
if each of us decided to become,
a form of love?

---

8 December 2024

I continue to have the uncanny experience of sitting down to write and having nothing to say.

I wrote an entire essay last weekend about these times we’re in. It features themes and ideas I’ve been sitting with for the past handful of years, mostly about living through collapse, and interacting with reality as it actually is—instead of our ideas of what reality is supposed to be, or what it used to be—and how if, as a society, we don’t learn to live in the messiness between extremes, and continue to stay beholden to binary thinking, the polarization amongst us will only continue to grow. You know, some light fall reading.

I held back on sending it because I had this sense that despite how interesting the essay may (or may not) be, what I’d written wasn’t actually the message I wanted to broadcast. There are already plenty of people writing about similar things in ways far more erudite and eloquent than me (check out this essay). Plus, it’s already so noisy out there, and the last thing I want to do is contribute to the cacophony I know is clogging up your ears and eyes and feeds and inboxes.

Some higher part of me keeps whispering that softening into spaciousness and quiet is the wise choice for a moment.

I have unsubscribed from all but only a handful of newsletters, and the ones I still get are written by people I know personally. I haven’t been on social media in two months, and I’m not sure I’m going to return. I have only read local news since the night of the US election; snatches of national news filter through, as it always does, but I am no longer seeking out information from major news (<cough> propaganda) sources. I’m reading some fiction. I’m watching Josh Johnson on YouTube. I’m walking increasingly longer distances, Tater in tow, phone at home. I have those giant flip-chart sized Post-It notes hung all over my workspace, where I’ve jotted things down like “BIRTH LIFE DEATH REBIRTH” and “THE ONLY CERTAINTY IS UNCERTAINTY” and “WE MUST REDUCE THE DOMINANCE OF THE MIND” and then just staring at the words for what feels like hours on end. I’m listening to Ram Dass and Jessa Reed. I’m watching the moon all low-slung on the horizon every night. I’m sleeping so much; I’m so very tired.

8 November 2024

It’s two days post US election and I’ve moved through the initial shock of discovering the degree to which the results demonstrated such a total landslide. I had expected that what happened was going to happen, but damn.

And here I thought I had my finger on some sort of pulse…

The first 24-hours felt like moving through grief-time. Those of you who know loss know what I’m talking about—time expands and slows down and it was like I was moving through molasses, even as I attended to emails and deadlines and met with clients and got my buns to the gym to sweat it out.

And then the unexpected occurred. By Thursday, after the initial shockwave had coursed its way through me, I woke up present to something else I’ve experienced during deep grief—a cracked-open heart. This surprised me, because living in this Bizarro-World landscape of consensus reality breakdown is eerie at best, and I kept waiting for what I thought I would feel—anger—to descend. But it never did. Instead I felt such tenderness toward everybody (yep: everybody). The propaganda machine that’s been at play for decades—and that the internet turned the dial up to lightning speed—has been extraordinarily successful at convincing us (“us” meaning, the general collective) of our separateness, however; nobody can shove consciousness back in a bottle. For as many people out there who are hooked by the “promises” of the death machine, there are just as many of us who understand the truth of our interdependence; that, for better or for worse, we belong to each other.

Facing reality with my eyes open, staring into an uncertain future that is sure to last beyond the next four years, I got present to the pain of this separation and that’s what cracked me open. For a few days, I was the most magnanimous driver on the road; I beamed hearts out of my eyes toward anyone who even glanced in my general direction; I checked in multiple times/day with a long roster of kin; I moved through the regular cadence of my days, the center of my chest abuzz with a gentle and warm effervescence.

7 December 2024

I go on a date to the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus and am utterly shocked when my heart threatens to grow three sizes. You see, I am not a holiday person. I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, so I won’t go into detail as to why it’s not my thing; suffice it to say if it weren’t for family I’d bypass the spectacle entirely.

But there I sat, absorbed in the exuberant voices of so many beautiful men, each of them unique individuals with their own stories of self-expression and becoming, and I felt my cynicism begin to thaw a few degrees. The performance was lighthearted, silly, profound, moving; a total delight all the way through. And the qualities present in the theater were joy, and connection, and it’s wild to me that the good feelings I felt in my body, and the sweetness that can be created in a crowd of people pouring their kind attention into a performance—it’s wild to me to know that that could be what the world is like. It could be like that. And what kills me is having the experience like the one I did watching that chorus and knowing that it’s so close. It’s right here. A reality of love, and kindness, and joy, and letting people live as the are—we could opt into that reality, anytime. We could snap right in. And so whenever I get a taste of that—when I get to spend a few hours on that timeline—it’s excruciatingly moving. I’m emotional recalling it sitting here now.

The gap between current reality, and what I experienced in that theater on Saturday night, is wide, and it’s only getting wider. And I sit here writing this, dripping in earnestness, making a public commitment to not contribute to any more gap widening. I will participate in efforts that help close the gap. And these efforts must include minimizing the gaps that still exist between my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit.

This is not a superfluous undertaking, because the work of self-development is the work of elevating consciousness. As I work to “close the gap”—which has felt like a chasm at times—between my head-heart-body, a new relationship with myself emerges, for I’m longer at the mercy of an inner critic whose voice brings me to my knees, paralyzes me, keeps my small. Instead, I am in cahoots with my spirit, with my most core, essential self (I call her my “higher self,” but you can use whatever language you want). This is the trustworthy voice within, an inner GPS; this is the aspect of myself who wants what’s best for me, who encourages me, who is quick to forgive rather than judge for all the ways I get lost in my own messy humanity. This is the part of me that is free of social and cultural conditioning; this is the who I am, who I was, before the conditions of my life laid themselves over me (you get the point, yes?).

This is important work because as I close the gap within, what naturally emerges is an expanded capacity to close the gap without. As I learn to love, respect, and forgive myself myself for who I am, not in spite of who I am, I am able to extend those same qualities to others.

This sounds nice (and maybe borders on the saccharine), and spelled out, it sounds pretty simple; but for any of you who have set out on a process of change—whether intentionally, or because you were thrust into it—you know that the work of closing the gap, of learning to befriend yourself, is painstaking, slow, and full of backslides, failures, spirals, frustrations. Transformation is a weird sell because, yeah, sign me up! but also, do I *really* want to open *another* can of worms?

The work of healing and self-development is the work of creating a steady ground within myself that no one bestowed upon me and that no one can take away. It is the work of de-programming and deconditioning all the patterns that were downloaded into me by the culture of my family of origin, and that I internalized from growing up in this society. It is understanding and then dismantling all the ways my thinking and/or behavior continues to uphold harmful structures and systems; it reveals all the internalized ‘isms and ‘ogynies that I am still perpetuating; from this place of awareness, I can drag these unruly motherfuckers out into the light, and see with clear eyes what’s actually mine, and what I can liberate myself from.

When I am operating from my higher self, there is clarity. There is discernment; I can slice through the noisiness and not be swept away by it. There is a sense of inner congruence: I know who I am, which makes it easy to behave in ways that align with what I value. I have created conditions for inner resonance within; I begin to experience greater resonance without.

I stand on the steady ground within myself. I have had so much help and support along the way—this shit is hard enough without also doing it alone—but ultimately, I created this steadiness (and this is not a one-and-done situation, I will be tending to this inner flame for the rest of my days).

If we do not learn to quiet the noise and turn our attention and listening inward, which is to say, if we do not create a relationship with our higher selves, it is very challenging to create inner resonance. We take in so much information on any given day, and rarely are any of these messages ours; we become filled with other people’s voices, which we then internalize as our own. Elevating consciousness—becoming—requires an understanding who we really are so we can move through the world from a place of rebellious authenticity.

But most people do not, or cannot, make the time and space for this kind of stuff, and so what happens is that they’re running around, upholding systems and structures that perpetuate the shitty status quo that has arrived us at this Bizarro-World moment in time. They keep gnawing on a dusty-ass shitburger, not realizing that an abundance of healthy, nourishing, life-giving options are available at any moment.

The external world won’t change until we do the inner work of change, until we develop our own autonomy and agency, until we reckon with the fact that no daddy or mommy is coming to save us—that game is over. There is no redemption waiting for us in the existing systems and structures.

(And lest anyone get it twisted! I’m not saying we turn all our attention to our inner worlds and stop participating in the outer work of change. I’m simply saying that we include inner work as equally vital as any actions we’re taking externally.)

It’s time for something new—isn’t that what we all want?

10 December 2024

I know I said earlier that lately when I sit down to write I have nothing to say, which isn’t quite true. For the past six weeks, I’ve been working on a “core tenet essay,” where I am working to communicate the core message of my coaching practice.

Mostly, all this “writing” is actually me “staring at the wall.” (Ok, lots of walks, too). On Friday I phoned a friend (remember; you don’t have to go any of this alone!) who I knew would be the perfect person to hash some of my ideas out with in efforts to move the needle forward on the work.

Across all my clientele over the years (which, not to brag, is in the hundreds) regardless of their entry point into coaching—whether they struggle with substance, or the myriad other reasons someone chooses to engage in a process of change—do you know what makes their face light up when I mention it, every single time, without fail?

…..

It comes down to one word (ok, a phrase):

self-trust.

Inhale, exhale.

And this is my aim, both in my own life (indeed, for the past 3.5 years I’ve had a Post-It over my workspace with the words “Trust Your Life” shining down on me), and in my coaching practice. This is at the core of who I am and what I do.

Self-trust, in my experience, isn’t something that just happens. You have to work at it. You have to create space for it. You have to learn to be quiet; you have to learn to amplify your listening.

In my work, I do not tell people what to do. It is a collaborative effort; I am in the water with you.

Most people think of coaching as a supportive way to be held accountable to goals. That is definitely part of it: when I craft a coaching program for someone, tangible outcomes are definitely included. It is an important aspect of coaching, and one that differentiates it from therapy. And, it’s only half of the program. The other half is creating a new narrative for yourself, your life, and your self-perception. As you work toward outcomes, you’re also amplifying your strengths, and developing aspects of yourself that have been shadowed or hidden.

In our conversations, we explore what it means to be human. You’ll be invited to experiment, stay curious, and you’ll practice disrupting all sorts of autopilot tendencies and to discover who you are, underneath all your stuff.

My guess is that most of you reading this newsletter want to participate in creating a more harmonious world. There are many paths to do so, and I am offering one that starts within. This is the work of coaching: bridging the inner gaps to create bridges externally. Experiencing inner resonance no matter how chaotic the external terrain becomes. Tending to the inner light.

When you begin to close the gap between head-heart-body; when you foster a relationship with your higher self, love becomes present. And this is the antidote; this is the counterforce. This is not a boundary-less love—this love does not suffer fools—but a love rooted in trust, and connection, and a profound awareness of all of our interdependence.

Coaching starts within. But it doesn’t stop there.

So I’m inviting you into the water. Let’s live into the questions, recalibrate the compass, hone your inner GPS. Let’s swim into the beyond, into uncharted waters, which might sound scary, but also holds the enticing promise of possibility, creativity, self-expression; joy! love! peace! connection; let’s swim onward and upward and downward and sideways until wow, here you are, steady, with the softest ground beneath you, able to attend to yourself and be engaged in reality, good lord look at you, building bridges, being the change—not just *thinking* about it—savoring your moments, at ease and trusting that it’s all unfolding as it’s meant to.

These are big promises! It starts with a conversation, which you can schedule here, or by responding to this email.

A different world is possible and it starts with you; it would be my honor to support you in your life’s unfolding.

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At SELF MADE, the game is to uncover your essential self so you can design a rebellious, bold, on-purpose life that is an expression of who you really are and what you really want. Posts are written by me, Dani Cirignano, writer, Integral Coach, and recovery guide based in San Francisco, CA.

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