"I don’t want to hide from life. I want to face it."

story spotlight // guest post

Ali and I met the old-fashioned way—on Instagram. She reached out to me after reading an article I’d written for The Temper and offered me a haircut. You know when you meet someone and you *just know* you’re going to be friends? I was bowled over by Ali’s genuine warmth, honesty and an inner effervescence that has made her one of those friends whose presence—even now that everything is virtual—reminds me that everything is going to be OK.

Our birthdays are exactly two months apart, we’re both avid readers and yoga practitioners, and we’re both on similarly unconventional life paths. Though I’m hella sad that she recently moved home to Baltimore, if life in Pandemia has taught me anything, it’s that true friendships continue to thrive no matter the distance.

It’s my honor to share her story with you today.

My journey with sobriety began in an unexpected way. Without admitting that I had an actual problem, I had to admit that I needed a little break. It was January, and many people around me were talking about taking a break from drinking for the month. I kept thinking to myself that a month without booze seemed impossible. Then a little voice inside my head said, “Ali, if a month without drinking seems so hard, maybe that is why you need to try it.” So, at the beginning of 2018, I decided to attempt a Sober January. After three weeks with no alcohol in my system, I felt the crushing anxiety and depression I had dealt with for years quickly melt away. I had grown accustomed to my emotions feeling like a daily rollercoaster ride of extreme highs of happiness and excitement, followed by deep lows of sadness and frustration. I had unconsciously been spending so much emotional effort trying to moderate these fluctuations. All of a sudden, my emotions felt much more stable and calm. Lucky to experience some pretty instant gratification in the mental health category, I realized that not drinking needed to become a permanent decision. While there have been many positive side effects to discover in the years since I made that decision, the blessing that jumps out the most is the underlying sense of peaceful strength that I feel as a constant in my heart.

Winding down on 2020, almost three years into the amazing journey of discovering a sober life, I can look back on this challenging year and recognize how giving up alcohol has helped me navigate a trifecta of heavy life experiences.

Sobriety wasn’t great for my marriage with a wonderful man who did not plan to take the same wellness path that I had found myself on. I am thankful we were able to navigate our separation and divorce in an amicable and respectful way but, sadly, I lost my relationship with his immediate family as we made our separation official. I think maintaining contact with me was too emotionally painful for them. This was an additional and unexpected loss I did not foresee when it became clear that my marriage was coming to an end. This devastating loss forced me to focus on my biggest support system, myself. Having a clear mind to rediscover what it meant to be Ali, the individual, and not Ali the Wife, was a gift. Recovery focuses so much on self-care and self-love, and building myself up in those ways was exactly what I needed to process the loss of my former family.  I discovered that putting myself first was not a selfish move but a necessity. The main way I put this self love into practice was choosing positive mantras for my day and telling myself, “I love you” during the days I was feeling the most low. 

Cue life challenge number two: a global pandemic! This year in mid-March, it became clear that I was no longer going to be able to perform my job—which I loved—for any foreseeable future. The realization of the loss of income for an indefinite amount of time, while living in the most expensive city in the U.S., triggered the most extreme anxiety I had felt since I stopped drinking. I felt the internal emotional panic in my heart space set in. I had to fight intense thoughts of desperation and catastrophe. Luckily, I had some years of sober strength behind me, and I was not tempted to pick up a bottle. Instead, I dove deeper into the self care I mentioned before: I did two Zoom yoga classes a day, took a lot of walks, read all the books and cooked delicious, healthy meals for myself and my roommate. Now, many months into pandemic life, I am viewing this time as another gift from the universe. After ten years of late nights partying hard, it is time to focus on rest. This unique break from regular life has caused me to reflect and discover what is really important to me. 

That leads me to my third hurdle, a cross-country move. In dealing with the loss of my relationship to my ex's family, and then contending with a pandemic at the same time, I felt called to be closer to my family in Maryland. I made the painful, but clear-headed decision to close the San Francisco chapter of my life. I am still processing the transition to a new life in Maryland, of living with my parents and reconnecting with old friends and surroundings. So far, I have realized two things. First, I really didn’t take the time to know myself until I removed alcohol from my life. The big life decisions I have made recently have come to me gracefully. This is because I have finally given myself the space to understand my values and priorities. The second realization is that the well of inner strength inside me runs even deeper than I had known. This feels like a superpower I didn’t know I would acquire in sobriety. I know I will get through whatever life decides I need to go through, because I am strong. 

Coming home to Maryland has given me time and space to think about what I value. My purpose in life is to be of service to those around me. This is something I’ve always known, but for many years it was buried under glasses of wine and hangovers. I am glad I can now honor this purpose as I focus on how to be of service to my friends, family and community. 

Deciding to live alcohol-free has taught me that I don’t want to hide from life. I want to face it and find the positive aspects in every challenge. I want to know myself deeply so I can discover the gifts I have to share with the world. 

I am not sure where life is going to take me. And, sobriety has given me the peace and strength I need to ride the waves of uncertainty. These days, I find the mysterious nature of my future exciting, not anxiety inducing. I have the tools I need to take care of myself and the self awareness to guide me along a path that will bring me joy and light. 

Ali Moss is an extroverted yogi, hairstylist, avid reader, knitter, and foodie who recently relocated from San Francisco to Baltimore. She is passionate about leading writing workshops for incarcerated youth and generally bringing joy to those in her orbit. 

Check out her epic Goodreads book list here!

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Slow Motion Sober is a newsletter and community for creative types who are sober or curious about sobriety, and all the life-y intersections along the way. It's written by me, Dani, a writer and sobriety advocate in San Francisco, CA. 

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