BAH HUMBUG 🔪
Holidays AMIRITE + How to navigate social situations as nondrinker + Invitation(s) from yours truly
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I’M JUST GOING TO SAY IT:
I don’t like the holidays!
🙊
I’d just as soon leap from mid-November into the beginning of January, but also, I don’t love wishing my life away, so I’m doing my damndest to stay present and move slowly and not say yes to anything that screams “yeah, no,” in my body (easier said than done, I know; luckily, I’m not trying to be perfect anymore). What say you, readers? How are you feeling? Are you excited? Stabby? Melancholy? Trepidatious? All of the above?
Last year around this time I answered some reader questions about navigating the holidays as a nondrinker and this week we’re revisiting the question of how to have fun at a social event:
It’s my first holiday sober season. I’ve been invited to a few gatherings, and my first inclination is to decline (because it’s easier, I don’t have to face temptation, I don’t have to make an effort to be a not-awkward-person-in-public, and do I even like these people anymore?)
Any tips for actually having fun at a holiday event? Relaxing and enjoying myself? I’ll bring NA drinks of course and the hosts know I’m not drinking.
Thanks!!
E
First of all: GAH! Thank you for this question, E. In just a few lines, you’ve outlined so precisely the exact train of thought I know so many of us are navigating. Though I no longer feel tempted to drink, I would be lying if I said that my initial inclination when I’m invited to anything is to DECLINE IMMEDIATELY. And, I know that being social is incredibly helpful to my mental health. The following are some suggestions for things to keep in mind as you approach your upcoming festivities.
Right away I want to commend you for that last sentence “I’ll bring NA drinks of course and the hosts know I’m not drinking.” This is MAJOR! It’s easy to minimize these moments, because in the grand scheme of a life, they are so fleeting, but I will always pause to acknowledge when a person is advocating for themselves and putting supportive structures in place. So - hats off to you, right away you’ve set yourself up in such a good way.
For those of you reading who don’t feel comfortable telling the host up front that you’re abstaining - don’t forget that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. This is not a requirement! And, I can’t stress the importance of bringing something you will want to drink (I forgot to bring my typical 12 pack of Topo Chico to one of the last parties I went to pre-pandemic and I drank tap water out of a red solo-cup all night, weh). Even if I feel bashful showing up with a case of something non-alcoholic, nine times out of ten I have to sort of hoard what I brought because they get swooped up far faster than I ever would have thought. The way I look at it is that I’m actually doing people a favor by showing up with something not full of poison (OK forgive the hyperbole and drama but if I can’t go a little overboard in my own newsletter…🤣).
To your point about being awkward, well, I’m going to be real with you: you might be awkward. You might be awkward! You might repeat that to yourself, see how it lands in your body. What would it be like to just…be awkward? I remember the early days of navigating social situations as a person who didn’t drink and standing around all stiff, so hyper self-focused, wondering if I was placing my arms the right way, if I was making normal movements with my face. Here’s the thing, which you probably already know: nobody is paying as close attention to us as we think. I found that repeating the mantra “Awkward never killed anyone. Awkward never killed anyone,” over and over to myself to also be helpful.
My next suggestion, which, in many ways is my suggestion for everything always, is this: Have an exit strategy. If you are going with a friend or a partner, make a plan before you arrive to check in throughout the event. If you need you can have a code word to indicate that it’s time for you to bounce. If you’re flying solo (hi), check in with your own damn self a few times. Never underestimate the power of a French exit, particularly if it’s around that time of the party where you look around and folks have tipped over into being more buzzed than not. You are not obligated to stay longer than you feel comfortable. You are not obligated to put up with boredom, or temptation. You can bounce. Bounce! Sometimes I encourage people to have something sweet waiting for them when they get home - run a bath, eat some chocolate or ice cream, queue up a favorite movie or show - something nice to reward ourselves for doing a hard thing. Peopling is not easy!
Last but not least, oy, you asked about relaxing and having fun. I too wonder about this, ha. I would start by encouraging you to lower your expectations. Let yourself have an adjustment period. I think I have much more fun in social gatherings now than I ever did before, and, it’s different. It took a minute for me to figure out how to simply let myself be. So, lower your expectations, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. What you can also try is being curious. We pretty much know how things go when we choose to drink. It’s relatively predictable. But showing up and not numbing yourself at all? What might you be available to? What might you notice that would have never been on your radar before? What types of conversations might you have? Who else might also be abstaining (it wasn’t until I quit drinking that I realized there are so many more of us than I ever thought)? I think about this quote from Henry Miller a lot:
“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”
Go! Let yourself chase delight, in whatever way you can, even if it’s by communing with the pet turtle in its aquarium, or by noticing the enchanting way the lights light up the trees in the backyard. Breathe in the fresh air, discover that the person you’re talking to’s great uncle used to play trumpet in Vegas with Frank Sinatra.
And never forget the unparalleled GLORY of waking up with a clear head, ready to delight in another day.
I’m excited for you!
What say you, readers? Is there anything you would add? Anything that’s been helpful to you? Anything you are planning to try out this year?
Comment below, or click “reply” to this email if you have questions you’d like to see explored here. Remember: if you have a particular question, chances are many other people have the same one, so by asking you are helping your fellow readers ✨
Below I’m sharing some of my upcoming offerings. Hope to see you around at all the places (or at least one or two).
For my American readers, I hope you spend next week exactly as you please. If that isn’t quite the case, I wish you as much ease as possible.
Sending all my good everything,
Dani
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